And so it goes...

Where to begin.
I hope to be able to open up, and let all that stays bottled up in my head and heart come out into this computer. I should be awhile.

I want to write stuff down so as to remember. Life is passing so quickly. I remember being 6 and wanting to be a mommy. I remember being 10 and wanting to be a mommy. It seemed so far away. I remember being 12 and wanting to be a mommy. Why did I want to grow up so quickly. Now I want to slow things down. I think back at how quickly those 30+ years have gone by and it scares me. I want to absorb everything, but it's over and done with in a flash. I am now almost 33 and have been a mommy now for almost 3 years (come October 15th). That day changed my life and my heart in so many ways.
My sweet, sweet baby boy. Cameron. I always knew that I would be a mommy to a boy--- I thought I'd be a mommy to many boys, but Miss Lily changed that. Cameron, Cameron. Sometimes, or rather, most of the time, I feel like I am living life outside of myself. I don't know if this is normal, if most people feel this way, or if there is just something wrong with me. I feel like I am on the outside of my world----and I very rarely feel like I can focus in on the realness of it....does that make sense. From the first moment I saw you, that wonderful most incredible moment, my life changed forever. All of my childhood and teenage dreams had been fulfilled. You made the sweetest little squeaky noises, and just looked around at all the new faces. You've always been such a happy, easy to please little guy. You nursed like a champ, loved to snuggle in bed with Mommy, and were much happier sleeping in our bed than in your crib. You've never had a lovey or any other pacifier....a boob did the trick for you. You rarely cried and when you did it was because you were hungry or over tired. Those baby months seem so far away, yet when I look at you I still have a hard time seeing you as anything other than my little baby---I suppose it will always be this way. I knew I would love you and love being your mommy, I just never knew what it meant to love someone so much. So much that it physically hurts. I remember staring at you those first few days and just being overwhelmed by the physical sensation of loving one little person so much....it hurt and all I wanted to do was stare at you and cry. It is more than I ever imagined. You are more than I ever imagined. You are almost 3 now and you have changed so much over the past 2 plus years. However, you still have that same easy going, happy personality----even though being two makes it difficult for you to maintain it all times! I look back at pictures. videos, and your baby book and try so hard to remember every second. You had 2 teeth at 5 months, you were sitting at 6 months, rolling around, and then crawling and pulling up by 8 months---right before we moved to Jacksonville. Walking a week or so after you turned 1. I remember this stuff so clearly at times, and then at other times it seems so far away and faded. I wish I could press rewind on our life and go back to these times- briefly- and then jump back to the present. You had an Elmo party for your first birthday. Such a chunky, happy little boy. You laughed when we sang and enjoyed your Elmo cake. You got an instrument set from Mommy and Daddy and you liked to bang on the drum, you still enjoy playing with it. You are a beautiful little boy with blond hair and gorgeous blue eyes. People in the stores or when we are walking around always comment on how cute and handsome you are---I agree. You have chubby arms and legs, creases with tan lines in them. You love to eat and will happily try everything. By one year old you are no longer nursing, but you enjoy your bottle. You are sleeping in your room most of the nights, but sometimes you end up in our bed. You've also started to stick your finger in your belly button to soothe yourself....and just because you like it, I think!
At 18 months you have to go to daycare for a little bit. It was hard for all of us to make this transition. The first place, Magellan, was awful. You cried when we left you, and were so happy to see us when we picked you up. Thankfully, you won't remember your time there, although hearing the word "Papi" might give you flashbacks. You started at Tutor Time about 2 months after this, which was much better for everyone. Around this time you really started talking more. You called me, "Ninny" but could say Daddy fine. You liked to yell at the puppy, just like Mommy did/does. You also liked dancing, watching t.v. and movies, playing with cars and other toys. You liked to "nanook" (snuggle) in bed and would ask for this. Your "no" sounds a lot like "yes" at this point. Your belly button gets raw at times b/c you have your finger jammed in there so much. You also like to check out other people's buttons! When you were 21 months I was pregnant with your sister. It was very tiring for the first few months so I kept you in daycare and you spent a half day there for a few weeks. We spent a lot of time lounging around and watching movies....Monsters, Inc. comes to mind....and Nemo, of course. Your language continues to increase and you understand so much. You love dancing to "noo noo" (Beethoven?) with Daddy, and when music is playing in the car you always bop your head. We went to Vermont and Boston for vacation in August, it's hard to believe that was less than a year ago---less than a year ago you weren't even 2 yet, you were such a baby compared to now...yet you seemed so old to me at the time. How and why does that happen?
Mommy's belly is growing and so are you. You love to stick your finger in my belly button, and as it gets bigger this seems to be your method of soothing yourself. When you lay in bed with me you keep your hand on my belly and look for my belly button. You've also become quite the booby man and love to find and touch boobies---especially your own!! "Booby time" will be the official term that you give it in a few months. You know that there is a baby in mommy's belly, although were not sure you know what that means. You are very sweet to my growing belly. I asked you the other day if you remember when I was pregnant with Lily. You said, "yes, you were puge!" (that would be huge).
You turn two! Another October 15th has passed. Amazing. This year we have a Nemo party. Once again you love the singing. You kind of got the whole presents thing, Buzz Lightyear was a big hit. You have started to challenge us a bit and we've started the whole "1,2,3...thing" to get you to listen. Not sure what will happen at #3, and at this point you haven't let us get there yet.

I don't have to talk you into eating or trying food---you are very good about this. It's also pretty easy to tell you no, and give you an explanation---you usually respond well and seem to understand reason. You love to touch my face, this seems to comfort you. I hope that whatever it is you are feeling when you do that will stay with you forever. I hope that love is always there---always that close, sweet, and special. I fear the day that it's not there.
As the holidays approach you seem to understand and enjoy them. You were Rolie Polie Olie for Halloween...and you sweated your little butt off---but didn't complain. You weren't too happy about wearing the hat part of the costume, though. You love your cousin Alex.

In January, baby Lily was born. We had a birthday party with cupcakes for Lily's pre-birth birthday. It was so hard for me to have to leave you at home. I had never been away from you overnight, I worried about this for months. Ari stayed here and was here when you woke up. She said you did fine....you knew we were at the hospital/doctor having a baby. Daddy brought you to see me later that day. At first you seemed hesitant and unsure of what was going on. I was so happy to see you, and it made me so sad at the same time b/c I knew that your life was forever changed. We all finally got to meet Lily as a family late that night---right at midnight. It was a long day for everyone. You looked at her and touched her face....just like you touch mine. Never a moment of jealousy or cruelty or anger---you loved your sister well before she was born, as I imagined you would----that's just how you are.
It's been 6 months since that day. You've changed so much. Physically you are taller, thinner---but still as solid as ever---. You look older than you did just six short months ago. You've lost a bit of that baby look, although I can still see it most days---especially when I let myself think about how fast you are growing. You are beautiful. I amazed when I think that you came from me.
The Terrible Two's. You are awake now so I must go. I will add more another day. Right now you are yelling, "mommy" at the gate and trying to open it up, I imagine you are picking your top lip (replacement for belly button). You are so real. (and sweaty).